January
My “Ah-ha Moment”
With our future in mind, I spent a good deal of time and effort over the last several months researching, pricing and drafting preliminary plans for a much anticipated home remodeling project. I’d wanted to give THE DEVIL the complete picture when presenting my ideas so it wouldn’t reject them outright, so I’d optimistically and carefully laid everything out to it…and still it rejected each of my plans completely. It complained that we wouldn’t be able to afford such an “extravagance” for at least another 10 years as it planned to remain home with our children until OUR SON entered Kindergarten in 4 years. Even after its return to work, it believed it would take years of scrimping and saving before we’d even be able to consider remodeling because, according to it, I didn’t—and never would—make enough money for it to feel financially secure.
I realized then that THE DEVIL had no intention of ever accommodating my hopes and dreams for our future because it had already achieved its goals: home ownership and children. To it, a man was simply a means to an end and was, therefore, expendable. It knew how important it was for me to make these improvements to our home, but it wasn’t about to jeopardize its financial security by supporting my dreams.
By now, I understood that not only would THE DEVIL never support me emotionally or otherwise, but its continued emotional abuse was certain. The blatant disparity between its stated “good intentions” and its actual abusive behavior were glaringly obvious, even to our marriage counselors. My hopes for some courteous treatment and emotional intimacy had been crushed time and again, and still I’d always told myself, “Our marriage deserves another chance. Our marriage deserves another chance.” Its cycle of “pull closer, push away, pull closer, push away” was so predictable that I was finally forced to acknowledge that it would never change as it had repeated the same abusive behaviors over and over throughout our 10‑year relationship. If something happens a hundred times, you can be pretty sure of what the outcome of the 101st time will be…no matter how much you want it to turn out differently. Our relationship had deteriorated to the point that I no longer believed its apologies, and its efforts to “win me back” after each incident were so transparent that they no longer had an effect on me.
This realization made me look at the reality of our situation and take stock of our marriage. I imagined my life with THE DEVIL once our children were grown…and my heart sank. I knew without a doubt that I’d be wasting my life by staying in a marriage that not only made me profoundly unhappy (and would, in fact, only make me unhappier as time went by) but was actually hurting me emotionally and physically (anxiety, sleeplessness, severe heartburn). Living with THE DEVIL once our children were no longer at home would be unbearable. With this epiphany came the certainty that if THE DEVIL’s behavior toward me didn’t change, our marriage wouldn’t last. This final rejection was my proverbial “last straw.”
February 2001
THE DEVIL and I Attend Marriage Counseling
At THE DEVIL’s insistence we attended marriage counseling during the final 3 months of its pregnancy with OUR SON as our relationship was rapidly deteriorating. During these sessions, it became obvious that THE DEVIL wouldn’t change. These sessions confirmed my belief that it was only a matter of time before we divorced.
THE DEVIL’s Letter
TOKEN MALE,
I refuse to [red text stricken] DON’T WANT TO fight with you.
All I can say is “we” need to sit down and talk as adults and “re-define” who’s [sic] responsibilities are what. I hate doing certain things to[o], but I still do them because they need to be done. We need to compromise and help eachother [sic] out. It[’]s not fair that I have to do certain things alone. We should at least take turns. It is our house.
We made a fair agreement with one another. I take care of the inside chores and you take care of the outside chores. And that we are a team and help each other [sic]. It really sets a standard for harmony in the home when we are a team. I hardly feel mowing the lawn once every couple months qualifies. There are so many more outside responsibilities. Most of which are a 1-3 month chore. They are not chores you have to do every day, unlike mine. Yours are more of a maintenance. My chores are every day, all day long until evening. Just because you go to work doesn’t mean all the rest of the responsibilities fall on me. I work every day to[o]. I rarely have time to relax. And when is the last time you helped me scrub toilets, bathtubs or mop? All of which I hate and all of which must be done frequently.
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taking out the garbage and cleaning after yourself hardly qualify’s [sic] as cleaning the house.
It bugs me when the outside falls to shit. It effects [sic] my mood & my spirit. I’ve never even brought it up. Cheryl was the one that said hey TOKEN MALE why don’t you help. Joking I was planning on doing it myself because you have been working nights. As far as Cherly is concerned it was her comments that opened it up for discussion. It was your response that upset me! And that was when I said something. And she was the one who brought up her husband does hers! Cheryl was supprised [sic] at your comment if you want to know the truth. And she felt bad she brought it up. I personally didn’t appreciate your teasing, low comment about what a couple cups of coffee will do to me? What was that about? Look at the whole picture.
We both had our feelings hurt. It was after your comment, that I suggest you get some sleep. Also so Cherly & I could visit alone. “We both” have some valid concerns and some under lying issues we as partners, parents and mature adults need to work out. Without calling a counselor.
But I’m certainly not going to go there with you while your [sic] in a retalitory [sic], blaming, mad frame of mind. You are also very tired from nights. It is obvious to me this isn’t the mature or responsible time to resolve anything. Lets TIME OUT before it escalates in to something much worse. Don’t forget TOKEN MALE I am pregnant too! THE DEVIL
Did you catch THE DEVIL’s veiled warning: “Let’s TIME OUT before it escalates in to something much worse. Don’t forget TOKEN MALE I am pregnant too!” It is actually suggesting that if I disagree with it, it could miscarry!
THE PSYCHIATRIST’S Report, Psychopathology, p. 13: “The significant elevation of 2 of the major Clinical Scales (scales 3 and 1) most commonly reflects a hysterical neurosis in which psychological stress and problems are converted in to physical symptoms.”
THE PSYCHIATRIST’S Report, Part VI: Conclusions, p. 19: “…THE DEVIL tests as evidencing internalized psychopathology that reflects its proneness to convert Psychological stress in to physical symptoms, which results in hypochondrical features.”
THE PSYCHIATRIST’S Report, Psychopathology, p. 13: “THE DEVIL … will react to stresses with clinging and petulantly demanding behaviors.”
THE PSYCHIATRIST’S Report, Psychopathology, p. 14: "Two other traits cluster together and reflect strong needs for an orderly and predictable life style. THE DEVIL has an above average (86th percentile) to keep its personal effects and surroundings neat and organized. Thus it dislikes clutter, confusion, or lack of organization of any kind."
· Histrionic Personality Disorder (need to be center of attention, easily influenced)
· Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (inflexibility, perfectionism, excessive orderliness)
· Pathological Perfectionism (believes anything less than perfect is unacceptable)
· Borderline Personality Disorder (impulsivity, rages, fear of abandonment).
March 2001
THE DEVIL is Again Diagnosed with Breast Cancer
In its 7th month of gestation with OUR SON, THE DEVIL was diagnosed with a second, more life-threatening form of breast cancer.
“Seven years later, a mother of a 3 year old & 7 months pregnant, I developed a lump on my right breast, the very breast I chose to have removed. I was 37 years old when I was given my 2nd cancer diagnosis. I was told my right breast would need to be removed, again. It was at this time I made the decision to remove both breasts, for the second time, to help increase my chance of survival.” From THE DEVIL’s American Cancer Society’s “Relay for Life” web page
Her diagnosis put all thoughts of divorce on hold.
April 2001
My Journaling Attempt
At our counselor’s suggestion (and at THE DEVIL’s insistence), I jotted down some of my thoughts to summarize all that I was feeling about THE DEVIL and our relationship:
April 2001
OUR DAUGHTER
- Set limits on my care
- Discipline her - you condemn me for it (I feel bad)
- Sleeping with us?
- You don’t trust me to take her anywhere except store – park
- When we argue or disagree I don’t get to leave with her, you won’t let me (hostage) tug of war
- Always told I don’t spend any time with her (guilt)
My Friends
- you think all my friends are drunks & lowlifes
- you don’t like my friends for various reasons – single, manipulative, bad influence
- they take away time from you
- you have humiliated me in front of all my friends (out of town, phone, having a beer after work)
- you don’t trust me to play a game of golf
Relatives
- Dad – you clearly don’t like - you’ve told me (wife beating, alcoholic) Argument last year
- Mom – didn’t like but now she’s ok
- Sisters – you don’t want me spending much time with them – time we can be together?
- Cousins, aunts, uncles – you have problems with most of them therefore we don’t see them
Work – MY EMPLOYER (FORMER EMPOLOYER even more stress)
- you think my work is very easy – uneventful, just eating & joking
- you tell me I don’t understand your job because mine is easy (argue about it)
Me & You - Counseling
- you want to vent, bash me – break down my integrity
- you want somebody else to tell me I’m wrong. You don’t want to admit you might have a power problem
- you want to disrespect me – my view or side of a story
Your friends
- you vent to your friends so they will agree I’m wrong (my actions or opinion)
- it shows disrespect for me
- then you tell me you did it just to prove I’m wrong
- you say I’m not smart enough to get rich (just joking) except you used to tell me that often before we bought our house
ITS MOTHER
- you confide in your mom about me so she will agree I’m wrong even though she doesn’t want to take sides but she is put in that position by you. She can’t help but be biased, she’s your mom
- you both do things around house (outside plants, fixing things) without asking me or letting me know but then expect me to garden, pull weeds, mow lawn after you have planted
Us
- you would rather assume the worst in me than ask me and believe in me
- you push me to defend myself, then when I don’t, you push again, when I do defend myself you fight till the death to prove you are justified in what you’re saying
- when I back down, you lose respect for me and usually keep the fight going as if to kick me when I’m down
- you say hurtful things to me when you get angry
- you have no rules or barriers for yourself then you try to justify your disrespectfulness
- you constantly violate me – throw my stuff away while I’m at work – throw my shoes & clothes in my closet, throw my keys & change in my drawer without my knowing it
THE DEVIL’s Response to My Journaling
Following is THE DEVIL’s handwritten response to my attempt at journaling, which it and our counselor had asked me to do:
TOKEN MALE
I’m glad you took the time to journal your feelings because it isn’t healthy to keep things inside.
However, in reading the first page of your letter it is obvious to me that you were very angry at the time you wrote this and that your intention message to me [red text stricken] is to be hurtful,! Blame, instead of trying to resolve and restore the relationship.
Therefore I am letting you know that I am not going to read the rest.
If you wish to rewrite or talk to me about your preceptions [sic] would be more than happy to listen respectfully. Under one condition. That I may explain my preceptions [sic] of what I think took place and that you listen respectfully. And secondly that our intention of talking is to restore the relationship. Because writing notes and talking, when one à
or the other is upset only makes things worse.
And finally no bringing up anything from the past. If there is something that needs to be brought up from the past, it needs to be done calmly at a different time.
The number one thing that OUR COUNSELOR conveyed to us is that you need to communicate more clearly with me. You agreed.
That we need to take time outs. You need to journal—to yourself. And if we’ve had a fight, from that point on we need to look really think about what we are going to say and not to say anything out of anger or to be hurtful. Which is why I’m not going to read anymore of your angry, hurtful letters.
Lastly it[']s obvious our versions are [sic] of what happened are completely opposite so maybe that[’]s a sign we should talk about it until we understand where eachother [sic] is coming from.
THE DEVIL
THE PSYCHIATRIST’S Report, Psychopathology, p. 13: “THE DEVIL is unable to accept aggressiveness in itself or in others and will react to stresses with clinging and petulantly demanding behaviors."
· Dependent Personality Disorder (difficulty making decisions, excessive need for support)
· Borderline Personality Disorder (impulsivity, rages, fear of abandonment).
May 2001
5/24/01 – OUR SON is Born/THE DEVIL’s Excessive Over-protectiveness Escalates
Because our daughter’s initials were the same as THE DEVIL’s, it insisted that our son’s initials be the same as mine. I’d wanted to name OUR SON something else, but it insisted that we keep with the “same initials” theme. THE DEVIL remained excessively overprotective of both children and maintained its mistrust of me and my ability to take care of them when it wasn’t around. It eventually reached a point where it would allow me to OUR DAUGHTER to the store for short periods of time, but not to the park or to visit my relatives.
· Histrionic Personality Disorder (need to be center of attention, easily influenced)
· Parental Alienation Syndrome (attempt to alienate children from the other parent)
· Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (inflexibility, perfectionism, excessive orderliness)
· Borderline Personality Disorder (impulsivity, rages, fear of abandonment).
June 2001
THE DEVIL’s Rage about SURFER DUDE’s Santa Barbara Wedding
My good friend SURFER DUDE was getting married and THE DEVIL and I were invited to attend his wedding in Santa Barbara, Calif.
SURFER DUDE had visited our home after OUR DAUGHTER’s birth in 1998; however, THE DEVIL made no attempt to hide its disdain for my friends and avoided SURFER DUDE since its violent outburst in Santa Barbara (see 5/28/93). As SURFER DUDE’s wedding date approached and THE DEVIL realized that I had every intention of attending, it became furious and flew in to a jealous rage. It accused me of making my friends my priority and ignoring my family. It couldn’t have cared less that SURFER DUDE is one of my oldest and closest friends and that I wanted to share in his special day with him.
I’d taken care of THE DEVIL, our children and our home since OUR SON’s birth the month before (see 5/24/01). By now, it was completely recovered and if it had felt it needed help for the weekend, ITS MOTHER would’ve gladly assisted. However, due to the enormity of THE DEVIL’s rage I called SURFER DUDE and told him that, regrettably, I wouldn’t be attending his wedding. Instead, I remained home on what was up to then the most important day of my friend’s life (which has only been surpassed by the births of his son and daughter).
· Histrionic Personality Disorder (need to be center of attention, easily influenced)
· Dependent Personality Disorder (difficulty making decisions, excessive need for support)
· Borderline Personality Disorder (impulsivity, rages, fear of abandonment).
6/15/01 – THE DEVIL’s Accusatory Letter
TOKEN MALE
Since when is
1) grocery shopping for our family
2) watching OUR children occassionally [sic]
3) feeding OUR baby occasionally [sic]
Soley [sic] my responsibility?
You wanted a family too, and with a family come responsibilities and extra work.
As far as “letting me sleep in … give me a break!
1st of all, if I don’t take care of myself I won’t be able to take care of our children, the house or anything else. And if I’m not around someday, you will have to do it all yourself.
Secondly, I just gave birth, which is hell on your body physically & hormonally and then add getting
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1 ½ hr intervals of sleep for 4 weeks!
I got a total of 5 hrs (in 1 ½ hr intervals) the night before your company picnic. Which I sacraficed [sic]my sleep to go to because it was so stinkin[g] important to you.
And Pardon me for being concerned or even worrying about our finances. Somebody has to [be]. And I’m so tired of depleating [sic] our savings every month so we can live. I mentioned 2 weeks ago we only had [$]133.00 to live with for 2 weeks.
But obviously I made a couple [of] checking errors ->
____________________
which I would have eventually caught, if I ever had time to finish balancing our checking account.
[Page 3]
A few times I have had the opportunity, you have been gone with the check book.
Lastly, yesterday your unfriendliness and shortness & nasty tone finally caught up with me. It started in the morning and filtered throughout the day.
I am a good person too and don’t deserve to be treated unkindly. I am doing my very best so pardon me if I am not the chipper little, do it all myself wife your [sic] used to having. I am a wee depressed that I haven’t seen the outside of our house for 4 weeks. OUR DAUGHTER & my life have stopped since the baby has been born.
No church, no bible study, no play group, no library, no friends and no sleep. All the things we enjoy we have sacraficed [sic]. I can’t even
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seem to have time to go buy a couple bra’s [sic] for myself.
I need a life too TOKEN MALE.
What you don’t understand is:
I do appreciate and need your help with our family and our responsibilities.
It’s hard for me to show you or tell you when we aren’t getting along. all day.
THE DEVIL
Wait a minute…on 4/01 (see entry) THE DEVIL decreed, “… it is obvious to me that you were very angry at the time you wrote this … I am not going to read the rest.” Apparently the rules that THE DEVIL applies to me simply don’t apply to it. Hmmmm…
Histrionic Personality Disorder (need to be center of attention, easily influenced)
· Dependent Personality Disorder (difficulty making decisions, excessive need for support)
· Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (inflexibility, perfectionism, excessive orderliness)
· Pathological Perfectionism (believes anything less than perfect is unacceptable)
· Borderline Personality Disorder (impulsivity, rages, fear of abandonment).
July 2001
THE DEVIL Secretly Seeks Divorce Consultation
Unbeknownst to me, THE DEVIL and ITS MOTHER secretly consulted with an attorney and obtained and completed the paperwork to file for a divorce. It also checked in to its eligibility for AFDC and WIC as it “knows” I would fail to support our children, and it opened a separate savings account without my knowledge. But because it would soon be undergoing chemotherapy it didn’t file for divorce. I didn’t learn of its covert actions until more than a year later (see 11/02 entry).
· Histrionic Personality Disorder (need to be center of attention, easily influenced)
· Dependent Personality Disorder (difficulty making decisions, excessive need for support)
THE DEVIL’s Angry Letter
TOKEN MALE
It[']s pretty bad when you can’t even get up and help me with OUR DAUGHTER, especially so she won’t cry and wake me up when I haven’t had any sleep.
I have been getting up with her for 3 ½ years in the middle of the night for bad dreams, when she wets the bed, & when she’s been sick – the least you could do is get her some milk in the morning so she doesn’t wine [sic] and wake me up.
Now I am up with a fussy baby every night and getting very little sleep. And you think you understand but let me tell you, you don’t. It[']s been over a month and I am up with both kids now.
I am so sleep deprived that I am sick most of the time and can barely take care of OUR DAUGHTER during the day which is so unfair to her.
So, try being a little more
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supportive when I ask you to let me go to bed early and talking on the phone is more important than my sleep or when I ask you to get up with OUR DAUGHTER or to get her something.
I have never asked you to get up with the baby – once, to relieve me –
I have never once in 3 ½ years ever asked you to get up with our daughter in the middle of the night (which is on average 1-2 times a night) never have I asked you to get up in the middle of the night stay up all night with her when she’s been sick.
The least you can do is support me and give up 5 minute s of your sleep once and [sic] awhile [sic] to help me out. Especially if it[']s preventing me from waking up.
THE DEVIL
Again…on 4/01 (see entry), THE DEVIL decreed, “… it is obvious to me that you were very angry at the time you wrote this … Therefore … I am not going to read the rest.” As you can see, it’s true…the rules that THE DEVIL applies to me do not apply to it.
· Histrionic Personality Disorder (need to be center of attention, easily influenced)
· Dependent Personality Disorder (difficulty making decisions, excessive need for support)
· Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (inflexibility, perfectionism, excessive orderliness)
· Pathological Perfectionism (believes anything less than perfect is unacceptable)
· Borderline Personality Disorder (impulsivity, rages, fear of abandonment).
September 2001
THE DEVIL Has a Second Double-Mastectomy
THE DEVIL had both of its reconstructed breasts removed for the second time (see 5/95). It wore prosthetic breasts until its reconstructive surgery in early 2003 (see 1/29/03). Again, I was devastated by THE DEVIL’s diagnosis. Our marriage had improved somewhat around the time of OUR DAUGHTER’s birth and I’d continued to hold on to the hope that THE DEVIL would be my future. Again, the focus of its illness and recovery was 100 percent on it. As happened the last time, no one thought to ask me how I felt about its illness or how I was handling the fact that my wife—and now the mother of my children—could die. Again I felt lost and scared as this time there was an even bigger possibility that I could lose it.
THE DEVIL’s “Thank You” Note
Honey
Thank you for staying with me while I was in the hospital. Thanks for the flowers and just being there and helping.
Love You
THE DEVIL
Interestingly enough, THE DEVIL’s note contradicts what it later reported to THE PSYCHIATRIST during its 8/18/03 interview (see entry) as part of our child custody evaluation.
THE PSYCHIATRIST’s Report, History of Relationships, Page 10: "It was during the 7th month of THE DEVIL’s pregnancy with SON that it learned that it again had breast cancer. … It claimed that TOKEN MALE even refused to take it in for its surgery in September 2001."
· Pathological Lying (causes: low self-esteem, need for attention)
9/11/01 – Our 7th Wedding Anniversary/Terror Attacks
How telling is it that Islamic terrorists chose the date of our wedding anniversary to hijack four jets and use them against the United States to attack the World Trade Center and Pentagon and attempt to attack the White House?
THE DEVIL gave me a wedding anniversary card. On the cover was a stylized water color of a silhouetted, tuxedoed man and gowned woman, holding each other close and dancing in a very romantic setting on a moonlit terrace. Over the couple, in silver paint pen THE DEVIL had drawn two overlapping hearts. On one it had written “THE DEVIL,” the other “TOKEN MALE.” It was a pre-printed, tri-fold card; the cover said, “For My Husband. Your arms…” and the inside said, “…my favorite place to spend eternity. Happy Anniversary with Love.” On the inside cover, THE DEVIL had written in silver paint pen “TOKEN MALE and THE DEVIL, side by side” with two overlapping hearts beneath. On the other inside cover, it had written “Happy 7th Anniversary.” And on the inside of the card, THE DEVIL had written the following:
TOKEN MALE
Thank you for being so helpful during this time. Words can not express how thankful I am that you have been right by my side during all this. I know it is hard on you and our kids. It has also been hard on me. It[']s such a helpless feeling to not have any control over the circumstances. However, your love and support mean the world to me right now.
You are doing a good job taking care of all of us! I know it is a lot of work, believe me, I know. And it doesn’t seem very fair, but … at least we all still have eachother [sic].
Maybe we can celebrate our Anniversary after chemo when I[']m feeling better. I would sure like to take the kids and get away sometime. Love THE DEVIL
Again, THE DEVIL’s inscription is completely contrary to what it later reported to THE PSYCHIATRIST during its 8/18/03 interview (see entry) as part of our child custody evaluation.
THE PSYCHIATRIST’S Report, History of Relationships, Page 10: "It was during the 7th month of THE DEVIL’s pregnancy with SON that it learned that it again had breast cancer. It was hurt that TOKEN MALE provided “no comfort” on the day that it learned about its breast cancer. From that point on, THE DEVIL felt that TOKEN MALE was “not there for me emotionally”. THE DEVIL proceeded to review notes from its journals to indicate the numerous times that TOKEN MALE refused to take it to medical appointments or even watch the children when it went. Consequently on numerous occasions THE DEVIL either took the children to its medical appointments or had a friend care for them. It claimed that TOKEN MALE even refused to take it in for its surgery in September 2001."
· Pathological Lying (causes: low self-esteem, need for attention)
This was the last wedding anniversary THE DEVIL and I would mark; our marriage ended before we'd reached the next one (see 8/28/02).
October 2001
THE DEVIL Begins Chemotherapy
THE DEVIL began chemotherapy in the fall of 2001, which lasted until early 2002. I took off a total of 6 weeks from work to take care of it and ITS MOTHER and I took turns caring for it and the children when I had to work. We battled this more life-threatening form of cancer together while I remained blissfully ignorant of its plans to divorce me.
November 2001
11/16/01 – THE DEVIL’s Scolding Letter
Dear TOKEN MALE,
I[’]m not blaming you by any means, I[']m just asking that you try to be more thorough when recording entries into the checkbook register. I found 4 checks that weren’t recorded [because it didn’t record those that it had written!] 3522, 3523, 3429 & 3431, after you had made entries.
I[']ve noticed things aren’t being recorded in sequence, partly because of the checkbooks being used out of sequence but also the checks within the book itself. And [overwritten in blue ink (rest of letter in black ink)]: “Alot” [sic] when they are out of sequence, checks are missed and it[']s also a bear to balance at the end of the month.
It[']s really a problem when we are down to the wire with our money, like a week ago. Because a few things were missed we bounced a check. First time in 7 years! We need to really watch the checkbook when we are broke.
Also, (over)
I know you have been using the credit cards for purchases because we haven’t had any money but please stop. : )
No more purchases on credit cards except the atm [sic].
You just got paid (<-so we[’]re okay, NOW.) and it[’]s to[o] hard to keep track of our spending when it[']s being put on a card.
Thanks for listening
THE DEVIL
Shell[']s up to 80-
Amex up to 150-
Gold up to 200-
(X-mas & car seat)
but…we need to pay the small ones OFF monthly : )
The “Sailing Incident”/THE DEVIL’s Rage and Unfounded Accusations (see also 4/93, 5/28-31/93, 9/94 and 1996)
While with FORMER EMPLOYER, I became friends with CO-WORKER 2. He and I remained friends after I left the company. One day in 2001, CO-WORKER 2 invited me to go sailing with him. He’d included THE DEVIL in his invitation, but it didn’t want to go. I accepted CO-WORKER 2’s invitation with the expectation that he and I would go sailing alone. However, upon my arrival at the dock, I discovered that three others would be joining us…a married couple in their 30s and a single woman probably in her late 30s or early 40s. I believe her name was THE SLUT.
From what I’m able to recall, THE SLUT was an attorney. She was above average height with an average build (not overweight, not slim). She wore what I considered to be a severe hairstyle and somewhat frumpy clothes. From the little time we spent together, I formed the opinion that she was a nice person.
The five of us spent the afternoon on CO-WORKER 2’s sailboat and had a very pleasant outing during which I took several photographs. When I got home that day, THE DEVIL asked how my outing had gone and I described to it who was there and what we’d done. It questioned me accusingly, saying, “I thought you said it was just going to be the two of you?” I explained that I’d thought so, too, and I didn’t find out differently until I’d arrived at the dock. I then went on with my normal routine, giving little thought to the day’s events. THE DEVIL took the film in for processing.
A few days later when I returned home from work, the photos that I’d taken on the sailboat were lying on the kitchen counter. THE DEVIL had strategically placed a specific photograph on top of the stack in which I stood next to CO-WORKER 2, while the married couple and THE SLUT stood on his other side. THE DEVIL took issue with this photo and immediately questioned me about who the “slut” was. It accused me of not having accurately described the woman, and it was sure that my “tryst” with this woman had been planned. Further, it accused me of having a sexual relationship, shouting that I’d been out “fucking” this woman all day.
I’m certain THE DEVIL freaked out because it had assumed that I’d done to it what it had done to me in 1993 (see “9/93 – THE DEVIL’s Date with Another Man”) when it went on an all-day date with another man and his family, spending the entire day on their boat at Discovery Bay. How could THE DEVIL ever trust me when it couldn’t trust itself? It’s been my experience that when considering how your mate might behave in a given situation, you tend to put yourself in a similar situation. Whichever way you think you’d likely behave is how you assume your mate might also behave. Therefore, THE DEVIL concluded that I’d been out “fucking another woman” all day because it had been doing this with another man if the situation were reversed.
Though I was innocent of any wrongdoing, my “indiscretion” served as just one more way for THE DEVIL to play the injured wife and attempt to garner sympathy. Not only did all of its friends and family get an earful, but it brought this “incident” up in counseling several times.
· Histrionic Personality Disorder (need to be center of attention, easily influenced)
· Borderline Personality Disorder (impulsivity, rages, fear of abandonment).
Excerpt from Dr. Phil’s website (http://www.drphil.com/), modified as though THE DEVIL and I are the subjects:
THE WIFE gets a payoff from her destructive behavior and THE HUSBAND’s response to it. "She's testing you: 'Can I run him off? Does he not really love me anymore? Am I so hideous that he can't even look at me? I'm pushing, pushing, pushing to test him.' People who are low in self-esteem — jealous, envious, highly dependent — we always think about those people as being very weak and very needy. But the truth is, people who behave in this way are tyrannical, power-seeking, controlling, demanding people It's just like power gone mad."
"He is going to leave you if you don't change this behavior. That's my prediction," Dr. Phil comments. "What has to happen to change that is you've got to get over your anxiety. You're very anxious about life and about yourself, and that is coming totally from your internal dialogue. It's not rational...the problem is, you don't accept yourself. You're thinking, 'Nobody could possibly want me.' So your war is not with him. Your war is with you. Forget about him. You've got to start working on your relationship with you."
Dr. Phil tells THE HUSBAND that it's an issue of power for THE WIFE, and that he's paying her off for it. "It is working because you reassure her. You answer the phone, 'Yes I'm here. No, I'm not with somebody. Be reassured. I'll be home soon.' Every time you do that, she gets a fix. She gets a reassurance fix, she gets an 'in control' fix," says Dr. Phil.
Jealous people have a poorly disguised need for power and control. "I think they're tyrannical. I think they're controlling. I think they're domineering and I think they're completely insensitive to the impact of their actions on their partners. There's the old saying, 'You can catch more flies with honey.' I guarantee you, you can make him want to come home, but you can't for very long make him come home.”
