1990-91
THE DEVIL’s Multiple Cosmetic Surgeries
THE DEVIL had a large dorsal hump deformity of bone and cartilage on the bridge of its nose. Sometime in 1990-91, it underwent the first of three rhinoplasties to reduce the dorsal hump, narrow the bridge and refine the tip. The second and third surgeries, which took place after our second meeting (see 9/92), were necessary to further refine the results of its previous surgeries. Although THE DEVIL’s bridge begins higher up on its skull, its post-operative nose is remarkably similar to Sarah Jessica Parker’s.
1992
9/92 – THE DEVIL and TOKEN MALE (Round 2)
I was living on my own in MY TOWN, and THE DEVIL had recently moved from OLDER GUY’s house to its own apartment in ITS TOWN when we met a second time at a Sacramento nightclub. I was with my friends; it was surrounded by its minions. It recognized me from our meeting 3 years earlier and initiated a conversation. I never would’ve recognized it because of its rhinoplasty. THE DEVIL was 28; I was 26.
THE DEVIL scrawled down its phone number and suggested I call it, so I called it a few days later. It was very curt when it answered the phone. I reintroduced myself and, once it remembered me, it demanded, “Yeah? What do you want?” Taken aback, I coolly said, “Nothing…you gave me your number, so I figured I’d give you a call.” It then revealed that it was upset because it had just had a fight with its boyfriend. I said, “Wait a minute…I thought you didn’t have a boyfriend.” It quickly back peddled and claimed that OLDER GUY was actually its ex boyfriend. We spoke for several more minutes, during which time it remained curt, upset, and distracted. (As it turned out, it and OLDER GUY were still together.)
Though my relationship with MY WOMAN had ended, and THE DEVIL claimed to have ended its relationship with OLDER GUY, we didn’t immediately begin dating. We were friends for about 6 months first as I believed that I was helping it get over its breakup with OLDER GUY.
· Histrionic Personality Disorder (need to be center of attention, easily influenced)
· Dependent Personality Disorder (difficulty making decisions, excessive need for support)
· Pathological Lying (causes: low self-esteem, need for attention)
· Borderline Personality Disorder (impulsivity, rages, fear of abandonment).
THE DEVIL’s Eating Disorder
The THE DEVIL was anorexic. At 120 pounds, its 5-feet, 9-inch frame was skeletal. A healthier weight for its height would be 145 pounds, so it was 25 pounds underweight. It maintained this unhealthy weight for the first year of our relationship. Its weight increased by only 5 to 10 pounds, where it remained for the next 4 years until it began reproducing.
THE PSYCHIATRIST’S Report, Psychopathology, p. 13: “Various G.I. pains and complaints, hypertension, vasomotor instability, headaches, and eating problems are often associated with THE DEVIL’s profile.”
· Pathological Perfectionism (believes anything less than perfect is unacceptable)
1993
3/93 – Me and Ms. Jones/OLDER GUY
Me and Ms. Jones. THE DEVIL was working as a sales rep 4 days a week selling high-end hair care products to an established group of salons in the downtown area (which meant no cold-calling, just socializing and re-supplying). It began and ended its workdays at whatever times it pleased; its normal work hours were 12 to 8 p.m. (it didn’t actually work until 8 or 9 p.m.; this was just when it would grace me with its presence as it regularly stopped for drinks or to socialize with its minions first). I was working in construction and was overseeing the construction of a 6,000-square-foot luxury home in Los Lagos near Granite Bay, Calif.
OLDER GUY. Although I didn’t know it at the time, THE DEVIL was still involved with OLDER GUY. One morning after I’d spent the night at its apartment, a man I didn’t know let himself in while I was in the bathroom shaving. He was as shocked to find me there as I was to find him. It was OLDER GUY. It turned out that he and THE DEVIL had been on one of their infamous “breaks,” which meant they hadn’t actually broken up. OLDER GUY was so upset by my presence that he uncharacteristically took a swing at me. THE DEVIL asked that I let it talk with OLDER GUY privately to calm him down and convince him to leave peacefully, which I did. For months afterward, OLDER GUY stopped by THE DEVIL’s apartment to leave flowers and sometimes breakfast on its doorstep, which it loved.
1993-2002: THE DEVIL continued to spend time with OLDER GUY throughout our 10-year relationship. Days after each event, it would casually mention that it had “stopped by to see OLDER GUY” at his place of business, or that they’d “met for lunch” somewhere. It even admitted that they’d once gone on a picnic in the foothills. These are just the encounters it chose to tell me about…I have no way of knowing about the many times they were together that it kept from me.
Excerpt from Emotional Cheating by Gail Saltz, Clinical Associate Profession of Psychiatry, New York Presbyterian Hospital, O Magazine, May 2006: Three habits strike me as playing with fire: (1) flirting with others, which can become too intoxicating to give up, (2) “innocently” spending time alone with old lovers, and (3) hanging out with emotional cheaters who make what they’re doing seem like no big deal.”
· Pathological Lying (causes: low self-esteem, need for attention)
4/93 – THE DEVIL’s Acts of Rage, Violence and Vandalism
Background: As a carpet retailer, OLDER GUY often traveled to Florida to attend conventions.
THE DEVIL and I had been dating for a few weeks. I arrived at its apartment one evening to find it upset and agitated. It tried to calm itself by flipping through a magazine, when it suddenly declared that OLDER GUY had been cheating on it during his Florida trips. It knew he must have a girlfriend because he wouldn’t allow it to accompany him on these trips. Frantically, it leaped up and shouted, “I think he’s having an affair! I’m gonna kill him! I’m gonna fuck up his shit!”
Now crying, it ran outside and jumped behind the wheel of its car; I quickly followed. It had become so hysterical that I was afraid it would try to hurt or kill itself or someone else, so I jumped in to the passenger side of its car. It was dusk as THE DEVIL impulsively sped off toward OLDER GUY’s house.
Still crying when we arrived, it jumped from its car and ran to his front door. It pounded on it with its fists for several minutes, screaming “Come out, you mother fucker!” Luckily, OLDER GUY either wasn’t home or wisely chose not to answer his door. Still sobbing desperately and wanting to destroy something of his, it violently kicked at two small bushes near his front door with its cloven hooves. It got back in to its car; its rage not yet spent, it sped off to his downtown business intent on smashing the windows.
Once there, it looked for something to throw at the windows, but – thankfully – it couldn’t find anything suitable. Still frenzied, it grabbed a bright red lipstick from its purse and in huge letters wrote across the front windows of his business, “You are a cheating motherfucker! Go fuck your girlfriend!”
While all of this was happening, I was thinking that THE DEVIL’s behavior was more than a little scary and extreme. I’m not sure why I stayed with it after this incident, other than that I felt sorry for it as it seemed to be so traumatized by whatever it was that the “evil OLDER GUY” had put it through.
· Histrionic Personality Disorder (need to be center of attention, easily influenced)
· Pathological Lying (causes: low self-esteem, need for attention)
· Borderline Personality Disorder (impulsivity, rages, fear of abandonment).
4/93 – THE DEVIL’s Week with DRUG DEALER (see also 3/93)
THE DEVIL and ITS MOTHER went to Disneyland and then on to San Diego to celebrate its 29th year of existence. Even though we were now in a committed relationship, I wasn’t invited to join them. I found this a little odd – and hurtful. The two spent about a week in southern California.
A few days after its return, THE DEVIL eagerly (and stupidly) shared the photos from its trip with me. As it was flipping through them, it became quite obvious that it and ITS MOTHER hadn’t spent their trip alone but had been joined by several others. I thought I’d noticed its ex-boyfriend DRUG DEALER (who lives in San Diego; see 1984 entry) in one of the photos. Just then, THE DEVIL became flustered and quickly placed that particular photograph inside the envelope. I asked it about the photo, remarking “That looked like DRUG DEALER.” I then retrieved and examined the photo for myself, confirming that it was, indeed, DRUG DEALER. Only then did THE DEVIL admit that it and ITS MOTHER had spent the entire week with DRUG DEALER in southern California. It claimed that it was “no big deal,” that he was its ex-boyfriend and they were, after all, still friends. It attempted to turn its bad behavior around on me by saying that it was my problem if I was bothered, not THE DEVIL's. Needless to say, I was very hurt and angry.
Excerpt from Emotional Cheating by Gail Saltz, Clinical Associate Profession of Psychiatry, New York Presbyterian Hospital, O Magazine, May 2006: Three habits strike me as playing with fire: (1) flirting with others, which can become too intoxicating to give up, (2) “innocently” spending time alone with old lovers, and (3) hanging out with emotional cheaters who make what they’re doing seem like no big deal.”
· Histrionic Personality Disorder (need to be center of attention, easily influenced)
· Dependent Personality Disorder (difficulty making decisions, excessive need for support)
· Pathological Lying (causes: low self-esteem, need for attention)
THE DEVIL’s Extreme Jealousy
It soon became apparent that it wasn’t a good idea for me to tell THE DEVIL anything about my previous relationships with FIRST LOVE and MY WOMAN. In the early days of our relationship – and before I knew better – THE DEVIL would ask me seemingly innocent questions about my past relationships. I’d answer its questions honestly, telling it whatever it wanted to know. What I didn’t know was that it was stashing this information away for use at a later time. Then, without provocation, it would fly in to a jealous rage and my exes would become fair game. It would often refer to MATURE WOMAN as a “fat-assed whore” and would say other vile things about her and FIRST LOVE.
Excerpt from Dr. Phil website (www.drphil.com), Relationships/Sex, Controlling Jealousy: “Jealousy is a poorly disguised need for power and control. Jealous people are tyrannical, controlling, domineering and completely insensitive to the impact of their actions on their partner.”
· Histrionic Personality Disorder (need to be center of attention, easily influenced)
· Dependent Personality Disorder (difficulty making decisions, excessive need for support)
· Borderline Personality Disorder (impulsivity, rages, fear of abandonment).
THE DEVIL Introduces Its Exes to Me (see also 3/93 and 4/93)
During the early part of our relationship, THE DEVIL manipulated me in to enduring not only meeting but spending time with some of its ex-boyfriends.* It would insist that we go to their homes or even to their parents’ homes. During one encounter, we went to 1ST ALCOHOLIC’s parents’ home for dinner where we were soon joined by 1ST ALCOHOLIC himself. The four of them reminisced as I sat uncomfortably by. During visits with two of THE DEVIL’s exes in particular (THE DRUGGIE and 1ST ALCOHOLIC; see 1981-82), I’d inevitably leave the room to use the bathroom at some point during the evening. When I’d return, THE DRUGGIE or 1ST ALCOHOLIC would most often have his arm around THE DEVIL’s shoulders and they’d be intimately leaning in toward one another, staring in to each other’s eyes, and exchanging hushed tones. Upon my reentry, they’d suddenly straighten and abruptly end their whispered conversation. On the way home, THE DEVIL would ask if I recalled that moment. I’d say yes and it would giggle and confess that its ex had been telling it how happy he was for it in its new relationship…but that he still cared about it and wanted it back.
When I’d say anything to THE DEVIL about feeling uncomfortable in these situations or how inappropriate I thought they were, it would demand, “What’s wrong? It’s not a big deal. He’s just my ex-boyfriend. You must not be very secure with yourself if you can’t handle meeting my ex-boyfriend!” It would then challenge my manhood and shame me in to going along with it to sit through one evening after another with its many exes.
*THE DEVIL never actually ends a relationship. Instead, it stays in contact with all of its exes, leaving the door open for a possible reconciliation in the future…which it’s done at least three times that I know of since our divorce: OLDER GUY (see 3/14/03), DRUG DEALER (see 4/30-5/1/05) and 1ST ALCOHOLIC (see 6/21/06), which supports my belief that THE DEVIL truly believes that it and I will someday reconcile (see 6/16/06). I’m not sure which of its personality disorders this behavior would fall under, but I’m sure it falls under one of them…likely dependent personality disorder.
· Histrionic Personality Disorder (need to be center of attention, easily influenced)
· Dependent Personality Disorder (difficulty making decisions, excessive need for support)
My Attempts to Understand THE DEVIL’s Behavior
During the early part of our relationship, I talked with ITS MOTHER on more than one occasion—even calling her on the telephone—to ask for her advice. I blamed myself for THE DEVIL’s rages: I didn’t understand that they had nothing to do with me. I asked ITS MOTHER why THE DEVIL behaved this way; was there something I was doing or wasn’t doing that caused it to be quick to anger, fly in to rages and call me names? ITS MOTHER explained that THE DEVIL is “a difficult being to love” and that I’d “just have to hang in there.”
I also talked a lot with my friends and co-workers about THE DEVIL’s explosive behavior. I wasn’t used to someone raging at me and calling me names. I didn’t understand its behavior at all. They were all of the opinion that its behavior wasn’t normal, and that I should leave. I stayed. In hindsight, I believe part of my attraction to THE DEVIL was what I saw as its “temperamental” behavior. I was a pretty intense person in my younger days, and THE DEVIL was intense, too (to say the least). I’d become bored with the “good” women I’d been seeing before THE DEVIL, and it presented a challenge of sorts. Thankfully, I’ve matured a lot since then and am quite happy being in a mature, non-confrontational relationship.
THE PSYCHIATRIST’s Report, Psychopathology, p. 13: “THE DEVIL is unable to accept aggressiveness in itself or in others and will react to stresses with clinging and petulantly demanding behaviors. Some women with THE DEVIL’s profile developed [sic] anxiety symptoms or acute anxiety attacks.” ... “THE DEVIL is prone to providing somatic explanations for its difficulties in life. Its symptoms may provide THE DEVIL with extensive secondary gains by allowing it to avoid or to say no to unwanted demands or enable it to gain special attention and considerations. This contributes to others seeing THE DEVIL as much more self-centered, demanding, irritable, and emotional than it sees itself.”
· Histrionic Personality Disorder (need to be center of attention, easily influenced)
· Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (inflexibility, perfectionism, excessive orderliness)
· Pathological Perfectionism (believes anything less than perfect is unacceptable)
· Pathological Lying (causes: low self-esteem, need for attention)
· Borderline Personality Disorder (impulsivity, rages, fear of abandonment).
5/28-31/93 – THE DEVIL’s Extreme Physical/Emotional Abuse (see also 4/93)
THE DEVIL and I took its car to visit my good friends SURFER DUDE and BARTENDER in Santa Barbara for Memorial weekend. While there, we attended a beach party that was attended by singles as well as couples. THE DEVIL formed an instant hatred for two single women in our group as in its estimation they were “competition.”
As the alcohol flowed and the party grew rowdier, some of the guys began drinking “body shots” from the single women’s stomachs. I didn’t participate, but sat away from the action with THE DEVIL and – along with everyone else – enjoyed the spectacle. At one point, it was decided that I would go on a beer run; THE DEVIL offered to accompany me. As soon as I got in to its car, THE DEVIL absolutely “lost it”; it started slapping and hitting me with both of its cloven hooves, crying and yelling hysterically. It accused me of lusting after and coming on to the two single women, and said some pretty terrible things about my friends.
I was caught completely off guard and wasn’t sure how to react to its sudden, explosive rage. All I could think at that moment was that it was my ride home. I knew if I couldn’t appease it, I would be stranded in Santa Barbara. Even though I hadn’t done anything wrong, I swallowed my pride and managed a forced apology “if my behavior had upset it,” which seemed to calm it. However, it continued to be very cool toward me and my friends for the remainder of our visit.
The next evening, we went to dinner with my friends at a local restaurant. During dinner, THE DEVIL made several disparaging remarks about the two single women (who weren’t among our group at dinner). My friend BARTENDER had had enough and told THE DEVIL that it was the one who’d behaved like a “bitch.” THE DEVIL expected me to come to its defense; the fact is: BARTENDER was right. I couldn’t, in all good conscience, be upset with him for being truthful…nor could I defend THE DEVIL’s behavior – it had been reprehensible. It became enraged and stormed out of the restaurant. I sat there for a few moments mulling over my dilemma. I wasn’t about to apologize to it for not having defended it, but – again – it was my ride home. My friends recognized my dilemma and suggested that I go outside to talk to it, so I did. It was furious and wanted to leave for home immediately. We’d planned to stay for the remainder of the weekend, but I agreed that we would instead leave that evening.
We'd driven in silence for a mile or so, when THE DEVIL suddenly pulled off the road and stopped at an abandoned gas station, ordering me out of its car. When I got out, it peeled off down the road leaving me stranded. Luckily, there was a pay phone across the street (this was before cell phones) and I called my friend SURFER DUDE. I explained what had happened and asked if he could pick me up. He said he would come get me, but it would take him about an hour to get there as he was in the middle of something and wouldn’t be able to leave until then (okay, he was naked in a hot tub...and he wasn’t alone). That wasn’t a problem for me as I didn’t have anything else to do, so I sat in front of the gas station and waited for him.
Within a half hour, THE DEVIL pulled up – followed by a police car. It had had the audacity to go to the police station and accuse me of physically abusing it. After each of us spoke separately with the officer, it quickly became apparent to him that it was lying. The officer advised me to avoid all future contact with THE DEVIL as it would “eventually get you in to trouble.” I agreed wholeheartedly! (I just didn’t heed his sage advice.)
THE DEVIL sat in its car for some time after the officer left, and I continued to sit in front of the gas station. After another 20 minutes or so, it leaned over, threw open its passenger door and calmly asked me to get in, saying that it would drive me back to MY TOWN. I initially rejected its offer; however, I finally relented as it was my only ride home. We drove the entire 6 hours in silence. In fact, I didn’t speak to it for about a week following this incident. I was very angry, hurt and confused, and fully intended to break off my relationship with it. However, during this time, THE DEVIL was exceptionally nice (the BPD term for this is “hoovering”) and I eventually let my guard down. Though it turned out not to be the case, I rationalized that its outburst must’ve been due to some unresolved issue between it and OLDER GUY and it wouldn’t happen again.
Update: Friday, 9/30/05 – MY LOVE and I visited with BARTENDER and SURFER DUDE. I hadn’t seen BARTENDER in about 8 years because THE DEVIL had lashed out at him about an email he’d forwarded to me that I’d deleted upon receipt at his request but that THE DEVIL had somehow managed to find on our computer’s hard drive, even though I’d deleted it from the recycle bin. BARTENDER discussed his upset at THE DEVIL’s outrageous behavior on Memorial weekend 1993 as well as its rude and insulting email to him in 1997 (which I knew nothing about until now). SURFER DUDE and BARTENDER both agreed that THE DEVIL was “psycho” when they met it and that it had continued to behave that way throughout our relationship, which is why they’d both stayed away. Though they were two of my best friends, we had very little contact during my marriage to THE DEVIL. However, I’ve seen SURFER DUDE several times in the last 2 years and am rebuilding my relationship with BARTENDER in the wake of THE DEVIL’s destructiveness.
THE PSYCHIATRIST’S Report, Psychopathology, p. 13: “THE DEVIL … will react to stresses with clinging and petulantly demanding behaviors.”
THE PSYCHIATRIST’S Report, Psychopathology, p. 14: “One of the major dimensions was elevated to the level of a personality disorder (Dependent) and another one (Histrionic) was at a level of a personality trait. Women with this combination of features have a cooperative personality style with dramatic traits, but their most prominent trait is low self-esteem. Their belief that they are less gifted or worthy than others leads to a poor self-image that causes feelings of insecurity and anxiety, especially in competitive situations. As these women have fairly high needs for attention they tend to be conspicuous and need fairly constant affirmation through approval and affection. In order to obtain affection, these women may come across as charming, outgoing, dramatic, or even seductive, most of the time, these women will present as cooperative, congenial, colorful, and in touch with their emotions, but they have a difficult time in situations where they feel alone or have to depend on themselves.”
Excerpt from Dr. Phil website (www.drphil.com), Relationships/Sex, Controlling Jealousy: “Jealousy is a poorly disguised need for power and control. Jealous people are tyrannical, controlling, domineering and completely insensitive to the impact of their actions on their partner.”
· Histrionic Personality Disorder (need to be center of attention, easily influenced)
· Pathological Lying (causes: low self-esteem, need for attention)
· Borderline Personality Disorder (impulsivity, rages, fear of abandonment).
9/93 – Living With THE DEVIL/Abuse Escalates/Gets Rid of My Stuff
THE DEVIL and I decided that I would move in with it, so I moved from MY TOWN to ITS TOWN. It wasn’t long before it became more and more controlling, obsessive and—at times—verbally and physically abusive.
Shortly after I’d moved in, THE DEVIL decided that “we” didn’t need any of my belongings and—against my objections and when I wasn’t home to stop it—it sold, gave away or threw out nearly everything I owned.
· Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (inflexibility, perfectionism, excessive orderliness)
· Pathological Lying (causes: low self-esteem, need for attention)
· Borderline Personality Disorder (impulsivity, rages, fear of abandonment).
9/93 – THE DEVIL’s Date (see also 3/93, 4/93 and 1993)
8 a.m.: One morning about a week after I’d moved in with it, THE DEVIL told me that it was going shopping with its minions at the mall (10 minutes away), and it would be home in the afternoon. It left our apartment at about 8 a.m. Before leaving, it peered deep in to my eyes and told me how much it loved me, and that it was glad we were together. I felt that it truly meant it. However, I hadn’t given any thought to the fact that the mall didn’t even open for another couple of hours… I was very concerned when THE DEVIL hadn’t returned by early evening.
11 p.m.: THE DEVIL finally arrived home, sunburned from head to toe. Only then did it admit that rather than spend the day at the mall with its minions, it had actually gone on an all-day outing…with a date...and his family! One of its clients had set it up with her son, and they’d spent the day with his family on their boat at Discovery Bay. I became very upset and told THE DEVIL so. It insisted that its date was “no big deal” and if I was secure with myself I wouldn’t have a problem with it.
Unfortunately, I’d just moved to ITS TOWN. THE DEVIL had gotten rid of almost all of my belongings, I had very little money, and I couldn’t afford to move. THE DEVIL knew that I was basically “stuck” and believed that it could pretty much do whatever it wanted and I wouldn’t leave…because I couldn’t. It seemed as though it was testing me to see how far it could push me before I’d leave it.
Excerpt from Emotional Cheating by Gail Saltz, Clinical Associate Profession of Psychiatry, New York Presbyterian Hospital, O Magazine, May 2006: Three habits strike me as playing with fire: (1) flirting with others, which can become too intoxicating to give up, (2) “innocently” spending time alone with old lovers, and (3) hanging out with emotional cheaters who make what they’re doing seem like no big deal.”
· Histrionic Personality Disorder (need to be center of attention, easily influenced)
· Pathological Lying (causes: low self-esteem, need for attention)
1994
THE DEVIL’s Date with Yet Another Man (see also 3/93, 4/93, 1993 and 9/93)
THE DEVIL and ITS MOTHER attended a work-related dinner, at which THE DEVIL took several photographs. It was sharing the photos with me a few days later when I noticed several photos of it with another man. When I asked it about the photos, THE DEVIL explained that it had attended with a man who had previously been its lover. Again, it claimed it was “no big deal” that it had spent an evening in the company of someone it used to fornicate with, nor was it a big deal that it had kept this from me. Again, it insisted that if I had a problem with it, then I was the one with the problem.
Excerpt from Emotional Cheating by Gail Saltz, Clinical Associate Profession of Psychiatry, New York Presbyterian Hospital, O Magazine, May 2006: Three habits strike me as playing with fire: (1) flirting with others, which can become too intoxicating to give up, (2) “innocently” spending time alone with old lovers, and (3) hanging out with emotional cheaters who make what they’re doing seem like no big deal.”
· Histrionic Personality Disorder (need to be center of attention, easily influenced)
· Pathological Lying (causes: low self-esteem, need for attention)
6/94 – I Change Careers for THE DEVIL
THE DEVIL often said that we could never marry because I’d “never amount to anything”—I’d never be able to get a “good enough” job or buy a “good enough” house. By now, it knew that it could manipulate me by telling me what I’d never be able to do. Even though it hurt to hear it say these things, I became determined to prove it wrong.
Though I would have preferred to pursue a career in contracting, which is what I was doing when THE DEVIL and I met, I began working as a service technician for FORMER EMPLOYER, an industrial and chemical cleaning company. This career change seemed to satisfy THE DEVIL’s need for me to have what it considered to be a more secure job. This isn’t what I wanted to do…it’s what THE DEVIL made me feel that I had to do to appease it.
Excerpt from Emotional Cheating by Gail Saltz, Clinical Associate Profession of Psychiatry, New York Presbyterian Hospital, O Magazine, May 2006: Three habits strike me as playing with fire: (1) flirting with others, which can become too intoxicating to give up, (2) “innocently” spending time alone with old lovers, and (3) hanging out with emotional cheaters who make what they’re doing seem like no big deal.”
THE DEVIL and I Are Engaged
We were attending a friend’s wedding when it caught the bride’s bouquet and I caught the garter belt. A big reason that I was with THE DEVIL was that it had never been married before and hadn't yet multiplied, and it wanted to be married and multiply. We’d previously discussed marriage and, with the other guests egging us on, we figured we “might as well.” After all, we were both eager to start a family. THE DEVIL was 30, I was 28.
THE DEVIL Obsesses About Our Engagement Photo
I’d been working grave shift for the last couple of weeks, working 16- to 18-hour days, and was completely exhausted. We were getting “down to the wire” as far as taking a photo for our wedding invitations, and THE DEVIL was beginning to panic. We’d been trying to find a location to take our photos when THE DEVIL finally chose the archway to the entrance of ITS TOWN's museum. I took the photos myself using a tripod. Our staged photograph turned out beautifully with me “proposing” on bended knee. One would’ve never guessed that we were both angry with each other when the photo was taken as it was completely unreasonable and bitchy leading up to and during the photo shoot. It had been yelling at me the entire time, and we were both gritting our teeth in all of the photos. THE DEVIL’s obsessive behavior and compulsiveness ruined what could’ve been a very special memory for us.
· Histrionic Personality Disorder (need to be center of attention, easily influenced)
· Pathological Perfectionism (believes anything less than perfect is unacceptable)
9/94 – THE DEVIL’s Despicable Pre-Wedding Lie
About a week before our wedding, an "anguished" DEVIL confessed to me that it had “contracted herpes” some years earlier, and believed that it had caught it from its physically-abusive, drug-dealing ex-boyfriend DRUG DEALER (see 1984 entry). Needless to say, I was stunned beyond belief and didn’t know what to think or how to react. Here it was, just a week before our wedding day, and it was just now dropping this bombshell on me. All of our plans were in motion: our wedding was to take place in Washington State, the guests had all RSVPd and made their travel arrangements, and our honeymoon in Tahiti was bought and paid for.
THE DEVIL then asked me if I still wanted to marry it, to which I unenthusiastically mumbled, “Yeah…I guess so.” I felt trapped. It was – in my opinion – too late to call everything off. It and I had been together for 2 years, and I was dumbfounded as to why it had waited until now to share this with me.
Curiously, THE DEVIL never once experienced a herpes outbreak in the 10 years we were together, nor did it take preventive medication. In fact, it never raised this subject again – not even during the times that it consulted with its doctors when battling breast cancer. It took me some years to realize that THE DEVIL had lied about having herpes, and had even gone so far as to include the fact that it had contracted it from a Black man, as though that bit of embellishment would make things that much worse. Its shocking revelation had hurt me deeply and bothered me for years. In hindsight, I now see that it had been playing some sort of sick, twisted mind game.
Note: Since learning about Borderline Personality Disorder on 3/8/05, I’ve come to understand that people with BPD (or “BPDs”) often believe that if they hurt their partner so badly they leave, and he/she still comes back to them, their partner must really love them. Since BPDs believe it’s impossible for someone to truly love them, these episodes “prove” their partners really do love them. This was a game THE DEVIL continually played with OLDER GUY, and it would seem that it was playing it with me here. To it, my commitment to our relationship showed that I truly did love it.
· Pathological Lying (causes: low self-esteem, need for attention)
· Borderline Personality Disorder (impulsivity, rages, fear of abandonment).
Sunday, 9/11/94 – Black Sunday (or "Our Wedding")
THE DEVIL and I were married in her home state.
Saturday, 9/17/94–Saturday, 9/24/94 – Our Disastrous Honeymoon (see also 4/93 and 5/28-31/93)
THE DEVIL and I honeymooned in Tahiti where many of our fellow vacationers were French. The beaches weren’t especially crowded, and it didn’t escape our notice that several sunbathers were at least partially—if not totally—nude. Among others, we befriended two men from the United States who, in a misguided attempt to meet women, had chosen to vacation in Tahiti. Unfortunately for them, most of us were on our honeymoons or traveling as couples, so there were no single women to speak of. We also met and befriended another honeymooning couple from Australia, with whom THE DEVIL continues to correspond.
Another of the couples there was a young French couple. The man had the good looks of a tennis pro and the woman was as attractive as a model. In THE DEVIL’s estimation, the woman was “competition” as with her arrival THE DEVIL felt that it was no longer "the fairest of them all"; therefore, it immediately branded the woman as its rival. The woman was scantily clad, as were all the other young women. Because of this, THE DEVIL made its condemnation of this woman known to me and proclaimed her to be a slut…even though THE DEVIL was dressed in much the same fashion.
One evening after dinner, we stopped at the table of the two men we’d met previously who asked if we’d been to the pool earlier. We hadn’t, so they enlightened us as to the day’s events. It seems that the young French woman had sunbathed totally nude, which caused quite a stir. To be polite and participate in our conversation, I remarked, “Oh yeah…what’d she do?” I felt THE DEVIL urgently tug at the leg of my pants. It then made a derogatory comment about the woman to effectively end our conversation, and we were soon on our way back to our room. Once we’d returned to our hotel room, THE DEVIL literally came unglued. It screamed and swore at me, and accused me of wanting to “fuck that French whore!” It then went on and on about how I’d been lusting after her and wanted to have sex with her. THE DEVIL blamed me for “ruining our honeymoon” for it, and continued to scream at me well in to the night.
Once it had exhausted itself, we each fell in to a fitful sleep. We spoke to each other only when absolutely necessary the entire next day. On the second day following its meltdown, THE DEVIL acknowledged that we should at least try to salvage what was left of our honeymoon; after all, it was “already paid for,” so we made our best attempt at a reconciliation. Unfortunately, the damage was done. I remained hurt and angry about its explosive reaction to my innocent question for the remainder of our stay.
THE PSYCHIATRIST’S Report, Psychopathology, p. 13: “THE DEVIL is unable to accept aggressiveness in itself or in others and will react to stresses with clinging and petulantly demanding behaviors. Some women with THE DEVIL’s profile developed [sic] anxiety symptoms or acute anxiety attacks.”
THE PSYCHIATRIST’S Report, Psychopathology, p. 14: “One of the major dimensions was elevated to the level of a personality disorder (Dependent) and another one (Histrionic) was at a level of a personality trait. Women with this combination of features have a cooperative personality style with dramatic traits, but their most prominent trait is low self-esteem. Their belief that they are less gifted or worthy than others leads to a poor self-image that causes feelings of insecurity and anxiety, especially in competitive situations. As these women have fairly high needs for attention they tend to be conspicuous and need fairly constant affirmation through approval and affection. In order to obtain affection, these women may come across as charming, outgoing, dramatic, or even seductive, most of the time, these women will present as cooperative, congenial, colorful, and in touch with their emotions, but they have a difficult time in situations where they feel alone or have to depend on themselves.”
· Histrionic Personality Disorder (need to be center of attention, easily influenced)
· Dependent Personality Disorder (difficulty making decisions, excessive need for support)
· Borderline Personality Disorder (impulsivity, rages, fear of abandonment).
9/94 and Continuing – THE DEVIL’s Bad Behavior Escalates
THE DEVIL’s Inflated Sense of Entitlement. After we married, it became even more evident that THE DEVIL truly believes that it is superior to everyone else and that the rules that apply to the rest of society simply do not apply to it. It uses its looks (and later its medical history) to manipulate others. It comes across as very sweet and sincere, but drops this act as soon its listeners are out of hearing range—often insulting them even as they’re walking away.
THE DEVIL’s Moods. In the time following our wedding, THE DEVIL was “nice” about 90 percent of the time and “vicious” about 10 percent of the time. When it is vicious, it flies in to rages for no apparent reason: it calls me names and says nasty, hurtful things about me, my family, my heritage and my childhood. It was also extremely jealous: it felt that it couldn’t trust me. It also made it clear that it had a complete lack of respect for me. My Heritage and Family. THE DEVIL knew it could hurt me most effectively by insulting my family and my heritage. It often accused my father of being an “alcoholic wife beater” and my mother of being a “drug-addicted psycho.” It has called me every derogatory term you can imagine in relation to being of heritage. It and I fought every time I wanted to spend time with my family as it wanted me to cut them out of my life completely. Because of this, I rarely saw them during the 10 years we were together. When THE DEVIL felt that it had to make an appearance, we’d often take separate cars so it could leave once it had “had enough.” And, when we actually showed up together, it always caused us to be hours late.
12/94 and Continuing – THE DEVIL’s Compulsiveness Consumes It
Every year, THE DEVIL sends out about 150 Christmas cards and family newsletters. It stresses very hard the entire time it is composing and assembling them. I used to have to spend about $200 each year for cards, paper and postage…and then I’d have to listen to it bitch incessantly as it became more and more overwhelmed by the difficult task of pulling everything together on time. I’d ask it why it even bothered to do this each year if it made it so miserable, but there’s no way it would ever not do this. This is the type of thing it lives for. With THE DEVIL, it’s all about appearances. (See also 1994 entry re our engagement photo.)
THE PSYCHIATRIST’S Report, Part VI: Conclusions, p. 20: "THE DEVIL’s efforts to be content, cooperative, friendly, and cheerful reflect ideals rather than reality as it is covering over strong reactions to rejections, frustrations, and losses of emotional support.
THE PSYCHIATRIST’S Report, Psychopathology, p. 14: “One of the major dimensions was elevated to the level of a personality disorder (Dependent) …. Women with this combination of features have a cooperative personality style with dramatic traits, but their most prominent trait is low self-esteem. Their belief that they are less gifted or worthy than others leads to a poor self-image that causes feelings of insecurity and anxiety, especially in competitive situations.”
· Dependent Personality Disorder (difficulty making decisions, excessive need for support)
· Pathological Perfectionism (believes anything less than perfect is unacceptable)
1995
5/95 – We Bought Our House
THE DEVIL and I bought a 3-bedroom, 2-bathroom fixer-upper in ITS TOWN, where THE DEVIL still resides. We moved in to this house in 6/95.
6/95 – THE DEVIL is Diagnosed with Breast Cancer
While our home was in escrow, THE DEVIL was diagnosed with breast cancer.
THE DEVIL had mentioned to me that it had been experiencing breast soreness for some time but hadn’t consulted its doctor. At my insistence, it saw its doctor and received the devastating diagnosis.
Before it was diagnosed, I’d known that THE DEVIL and I had no future, and had contemplated ending our marriage within the next year if things didn’t improve. I chose to stay with it now because - human or not - morally, I couldn’t abandon it in its time of need.
THE DEVIL had both of its breasts removed and went through eight reconstructive surgeries over the next 1‑1/2 years. It didn’t require radiation or chemotherapy. During this time, I took 6 weeks off of work, and helped and supported THE DEVIL however I could. ITS MOTHER and I took turns caring for it so I could return to work in order to maintain my employer-sponsored medical insurance.
THE PSYCHIATRIST’S Report, Psychopathology, p. 13: “The significant elevation of 2 of the major Clinical Scales (scales 3 and 1) most commonly reflects a hysterical neurosis in which psychological stress and problems are converted in to physical symptoms.”
10/6/05: My fiancé saw daughter and father Kelly and George Corrigan in a Today Show interview during which they discussed Kelly’s battle with breast cancer. Kelly had been diagnosed with Stage III breast cancer at the age of 36 years old; her father George had survived two previous bouts of cancer. While in the final stages of Kelly’s recovery, George was again diagnosed with cancer. During this interview, Kelly said, “I can’t tell you how much more difficult it is to love someone who’s sick than to be someone who’s sick.” In that one sentence, she was able to sum up how I’d felt throughout both of THE DEVIL’s illnesses, but was too upset to formulate the words and too guilt-ridden to express them even if I could’ve. Regardless, THE DEVIL couldn’t have cared less about how I felt because everything was always all about it.
Excerpt of a segment of the Dr. Phil Show, 10/17/06, highlighting married couple Christy and Christian. Christy had been diagnosed with breast cancer some years before:
Dr. Phil: “You say this actually strengthened your marriage?”
Wife: “He was at every doctor appointment with me, he supported every decision I made, and I’m so fortunate I married the best man in the whole world.”
Dr. Phil: “Breast cancer from the husband’s perspective is very scary, and I’m sure that you were very scared when you found out about it.”
Husband: “It was terrifying. I mean, it’s not something that you think about when you’re 30, 31 years old. You’re thinking about all these other things that you’re going to do in your life — family, career — and then when that comes down, it’s just like somebody sets off a bomb. At first it’s so shocking, you don’t really know what to do, so you kind of have to step back from it and get the family around and just get all the support, and try to figure out what your options are, and that’s what we did.”
.....I wish I could say this was how THE DEVIL and I faced its diagnosis and treatment. Sadly, that’s not the case. As I said previously, I was left on my own when it came to emotional support or how this whole ordeal affected me.
1995 – Grievance Sessions (a.k.a. “Marriage Counseling”)
THE DEVIL insisted that we take part in marriage counseling over the course of about 6 years, ending in 2001. Although our health insurance didn’t cover mental health, we met with several religious advisors and costly “secular” therapists. We traveled to Sacramento and Castro Valley. We even attended a weekend marriage encounter in an attempt to improve our troubled relationship and salvage our increasingly tumultuous marriage.
This was a good-faith effort on my part; I’d hoped someone would observe THE DEVIL’s erratic and abusive behaviors and confront it with the fact that it was too obsessive and controlling of me. I’d hoped it would take this insight to heart and we could begin to rebuild our relationship. As near as I (and our counselors) could tell, THE DEVIL used these sessions as a way to “tell on me.” The entire time we were married (and continuing to this day), it kept detailed logs of my alleged transgressions; for the most part, its accounts were extreme exaggerations of actual events, but many were complete fabrications. Our first few sessions with a new therapist would consist of it complaining about me as it referred to its many lists of alleged slights, focusing on what it perceived to be my “bad” behavior.
At one point, we began seeing a couple who we were friends with through our church. They claimed to have “been through it all” (meaning, among other things, infidelity) and offered to counsel us. After our first session, which was held at their home and lasted in to the evening, the dismayed couple politely suggested we seek professional counseling. They recognized our issues went well beyond those typical of a couple who’d experienced a simple infidelity (which we hadn’t, though THE DEVIL claimed we had…well, maybe we did on its part…I’ve never been sure).
THE DEVIL made reference to Ephesians 5:21-33 over and over at every one of our counseling sessions; however, it refused to acknowledge the wife’s role in the marriage. It interprets this passage to mean that a husband shall love his wife regardless of how badly it treats him.
Ephesians 5:21-33
And further, you will submit to one another out of reverence to Christ. You wives will submit to your husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of His body, the Church; he gave His life to be her savior. As the Church submits to Christ, so you wives must submit to your husbands in everything.
And you husbands must love your wives with the same love Christ showed the Church. He gave up His life for her to make her Holy and clean, washed by baptism and God's word. He did this to present her to Himself as a glorious Church without spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead she will be Holy and without fault.
In the same way husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man actually loves himself when he loves his wife. No one hates his own body but lovingly cares for it, just as Christ cares for His body, which is the Church. And we are His body. As the scriptures say, 'a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united in to one.' This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the Church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
When finally given the opportunity to state my point of view and opinions at these sessions, THE DEVIL would vehemently deny what I was saying, violently shake its head “no,” and call me a liar. Its face and chest would turn bright red and break out in hives. It would rant and swear, using language so foul that even I was offended and embarrassed. It would not only scream obscenities at me (“That’s a lie! You’re a fucking liar!”), but at the counselors – even our religious advisors – without hesitation (“Shut up! You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about!”). The counselors would acknowledge that I had some very valid points; to them, it was apparent that if I’d become uncommunicative with THE DEVIL, it was a self-preservation tactic.
Excerpt from Dr. Phil McGraw’s web site, 2006:
Dr. Phil: “How important is it to you to know that that woman is proud of you?”
Husband: “It means everything to me just to hear the words.”
Dr. Phil: “Does it hurt you when she criticizes who you are?”
Husband: “It hurts a lot. It hurts deeply.”
Dr. Phil: “Do you want to hurt him?”
Wife: “Sometimes. When he shuts down on me and gets cold…I purposefully hurt him, so I can get some sort of reaction instead of none at all.”
Dr. Phil: “And how rational is it to want to hurt your husband, the father of your child?”
Wife: “It’s not.”
Dr. Phil: “You have become judgmental of one another, so now you’ve gotten in to a pattern of yelling, screaming, saying, 'I want some type of reaction, any kind of reaction.' But he would go in to the Witness Protection Program instead of having a conversation with you because he knows that you're going to kick his ass. [He’ll] do anything to get away. [He’ll] tune out, leave physically, until you get him trapped and finally, he bites back. He’s not a bad guy.”
As each of our counselors reached this conclusion, each used nearly identical language in telling THE DEVIL that it wasn’t my mother and to stop trying to control me. Unfortunately, after each “breakthrough” session, THE DEVIL would declare that it no longer wanted to see that particular counselor. It would either fire the counselor or we’d just stop going altogether, and it would soon make an appointment with someone new. This pattern continued for more than 5 years, undermining our chances for success.
· Histrionic Personality Disorder (need to be center of attention, easily influenced)
· Dependent Personality Disorder (difficulty making decisions, excessive need for support)
· Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (inflexibility, perfectionism, excessive orderliness)
· Pathological Perfectionism (believes anything less than perfect is unacceptable)
· Pathological Lying (causes: low self-esteem, need for attention)
· Borderline Personality Disorder (impulsivity, rages, fear of abandonment).
1996
THE DEVIL Is Cancer-Free
THE DEVIL was declared cancer free. I was hopeful that we’d be a stronger couple for having gone through this experience together. This was true while THE DEVIL was sick, but the “reprieve” didn’t last long once it was well and no longer needed me.
THE DEVIL’s Criminal Act/Charges Filed (see also 4/93, 5/28-31/93 and 9/94)
THE DEVIL became embroiled in a heated dispute with a sales clerk over the return of a bathing suit. Because the store's policy prevented it from returning the suit, it became enraged and verbally assaulted the sales clerk. It then stormed out of the store with a suit other than the one it had paid for, leaving the disputed suit behind – which amounted to theft. The sales clerk called the police and pressed charges against THE DEVIL. Although it wasn’t arrested, THE DEVIL was ordered to attend anger management classes and pay a fine. (THE DEVIL didn’t tell me about having to attend a class or pay a fine; I only found out about this when it brought it up 7 years later during its psychological evaluation with THE PSYCHIATRIST on 8/18/03.)
THE PSYCHIATRIST’S Report, Psychopathology, p. 13: “THE DEVIL is unable to accept aggressiveness in itself or in others and will react to stresses with clinging and petulantly demanding behaviors. Some women with THE DEVIL’s profile developed [sic] anxiety symptoms or acute anxiety attacks.”
· Borderline Personality Disorder (impulsivity, rages, fear of abandonment).
1997
THE DEVIL’s “Stress-Related” Difficulties
Despite our escalating marital difficulties and THE DEVIL’s medical problems, it had a strong instinct to reproduce and I had a strong desire to have children (which is why we married in the first place). Because THE DEVIL remained barren for the next 1-1/2 years, it became apparent that it was too stressed by working 4 days a week in what most people would consider to be a relatively stress-free job...either that, or it was because two different species can't successfully interbreed.
THE PSYCHIATRIST’S Report, Psychopathology, p. 13: “The significant elevation of 2 of the major Clinical Scales (scales 3 and 1) most commonly reflects a hysterical neurosis in which psychological stress and problems are converted in to physical symptoms.”
4/97 – THE DEVIL Quits Work/Becomes Pregnant/I Work Crazy Overtime
Working outside the home proved to be too stressful for it, so I encouraged THE DEVIL to quit its job, which it did gladly and immediately. This move was completely unrelated to its illness. Not surprisingly, it became pregnant within 2 weeks.
From this point forward, I provided THE DEVIL with a lifestyle beyond our means by working an unreasonable amount of overtime. I sacrificed myself to be able to fulfill THE DEVIL’s desire to stay home, which caused me to become physically ill (severe GERD), sleep deprived, and emotionally drained.
THE DEVIL’s Difficult Pregnancy
THE DEVIL has a histrionic personality and is prone to hypochondria; it also enjoys being the center of everything and demands to be lavished with attention. So, of course, THE DEVIL had to have a difficult pregnancy. It was constantly nauseous and, at times, "needed" IV fluids. I believe its illness was psychosomatic: if it hadn’t had a difficult pregnancy, it wouldn’t have received nearly as much attention. But by being both sick and pregnant, THE DEVIL received a great deal of attention from the women at our church.
THE PSYCHIATRIST’S Report, Psychopathology, p. 13: “The significant elevation of 2 of the major clinical scales (Scales 3 and 1) most commonly reflects a hysterical neurosis in which psychological stress and problems are converted in to physical symptoms. The significant elevation of Scale 1 usually reflects features of a hypochondriac…”
THE PSYCHIATRIST’S Report, Psychopathology, p. 13: “THE DEVIL is prone to providing somatic explanations for its difficulties in life. Its symptoms may provide THE DEVIL with extensive secondary gains by allowing it to avoid or to say no to unwanted demands or enable it to gain special attention and considerations. This contributes to others seeing THE DEVIL as much more self-centered, demanding, irritable, and emotional than it sees itself.”
· Histrionic Personality Disorder (need to be center of attention, easily influenced)
· Dependent Personality Disorder (difficulty making decisions, excessive need for support)
1998
The “Lobster Incident”/THE DEVIL’s Nastiness
I was working with CO-WORKER at FORMER EMPLOYER (who I now also work with at MY EMPLOYER). He and his wife were able to secure a large amount of lobsters and offered me a good deal on some, the proceeds of which would go to a good cause. I gave CO-WORKER a check for ~$15.
Several weeks later, THE DEVIL answered our home phone when a woman called to explain that there had been an unexpected glitch and they wouldn’t be able to get the lobsters after all. She told THE DEVIL that, of course, they weren’t going to cash our check. Regardless, THE DEVIL insisted that she return our uncashed check, even though it would cause a much bigger hassle than it would be worth, and the woman agreed that she would. Then - for reasons only known to THE DEVIL - it felt compelled to swear at this woman repeatedly and actually told her to “fuck off.”
THE DEVIL then called me at work to tell me that I would have to “deal with this woman” by calling her myself. It complained that the woman had cussed at it. I asked it if it had cussed at the woman first, and THE DEVIL said “that’s beside the point – she shouldn’t have cussed back at me.”
Confused as to what was going on, I called the woman who was still very upset by her run-in with THE DEVIL and was initially rude and defensive with me. I explained that I didn’t know what had taken place, but that I was calling to apologize and make things right. She said she didn’t know “who that ‘DEVIL’ at your house was,” but that it had been exceedingly rude for no reason and had sworn at her profusely. I apologized for THE DEVIL’s bad behavior… there wasn’t much more I could do. I later learned that this “woman” was CO-WORKER’S mother-in-law! Imagine my mortification!
Karma: Coincidentally, CO-WORKER’S mother-in-law, FUTURE BOSS, is a supervisor at THIRD FAILED JOB, where THE DEVIL worked from 12/18/06 to 3/21/07 (see entries). One night about a month or so after THE DEVIL began working at THIRD FAILED JOB, CO-WORKER was having dinner at FUTURE BOSS’ house when she mentioned that she worked with THE DEVIL whose ex-husband works at MY EMPLOYER. CO-WORKER reminded FUTURE BOSS of her brief—but memorable—encounter with THE DEVIL. CO-WORKER later shared that, according to FUTURE BOSS, THE DEVIL just couldn’t “get it” after extensive, one-on-one training, and that it was again pressured in to leaving yet another job.
1/23/98 – OUR DAUGHTER is Born/THE DEVIL’s Escalating Hostility
By THE DEVIL’s own admission to THE PSYCHIATRIST, it took it a while to “warm up to having a baby." During this time, I provided much of OUR DAUGHTER’s care. I also did much of the house work and worked an excessive amount of overtime at my job so that THE DEVIL could stay home. After OUR DAUGHTER’s birth, THE DEVIL was nice for a smaller percentage of time as its problematic behaviors increased. It was excessively overprotective of OUR DAUGHTER, which intensified its mistrust of me and my ability to take care of our child. THE DEVIL became unglued the two or three times that I disciplined OUR DAUGHTER; each time it accused me of physical abuse.
· Dependent Personality Disorder (difficulty making decisions, excessive need for support)
· Parental Alienation Syndrome (attempt to alienate children from the other parent)
My Work Schedule/THE DEVIL’s Controlling Behavior
In order to support our family and provide THE DEVIL with the lifestyle it demanded, I worked a tremendous amount of overtime, and was sometimes required to work out of town. THE DEVIL didn’t trust me at all when I was out of town, and insisted that I call it as soon as I’d returned to my hotel room at the end of each workday. It would then call me at odd times throughout the evening to ensure that I’d stayed in my room and wasn’t out “carousing” with the guys or picking up on women. Whenever it would call and couldn’t immediately reach me in my room, it would then frantically call the front desk and all the rooms of my co-workers in its attempt to track me down. My co-workers all believed that THE DEVIL was crazy.
THE PSYCHIATRIST’S Report, Psychopathology, p. 13: “THE DEVIL … will react to stresses with clinging and petulantly demanding behaviors.”
· Histrionic Personality Disorder (need to be center of attention, easily influenced)
· Dependent Personality Disorder (difficulty making decisions, excessive need for support)
· Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (inflexibility, perfectionism, excessive orderliness)
· Borderline Personality Disorder (impulsivity, rages, fear of abandonment).
We Purchased a Personal Computer
I researched the best deals and purchased an $1,800 personal computer for THE DEVIL’s use so it could maintain and enhance its marketable skills while outside the workforce. THE DEVIL had expressed an interest in starting a home-based business, but never pursued this. Unfortunately, it mostly used our computer to create greeting cards for friends and family and to produce its annual Christmas letter.
11/98 – THE DEVIL Verbally Assaults Its Grieving Friend
On 10/5/98, the teenaged son of our good friend, GRIEVING MOTHER, who is also OUR DAUGHTER’s Godmother, was killed when he was hit by a Toyota 4-Runner while crossing the street in front of his high school.
Understandably, GRIEVING MOTHER was still consumed by grief when she visited our home several weeks later. During her visit, THE DEVIL demanded that GRIEVING MOTHER should “get over herself” because "everything didn’t revolve around her." As GRIEVING MOTHER fled our home in tears, THE DEVIL pursued her outside and in to our front yard, shouting at her retreating figure, “You reap what you sew!”
I’d been working in the yard and overheard the last part of THE DEVIL’s assault. I was incredulous: I couldn’t believe that it had just said such hateful words to GRIEVING MOTHER, and asked it to explain itself. It repeated to me what had transpired, what it had said to GRIEVING MOTHER, and why.
To this day, I remain absolutely dumbfounded and mortified by THE DEVIL’s offensive and inexcusable behavior. I felt so much shame and embarrassment that I didn't speak to any member of GRIEVING MOTHER’s family from that event until March 2005, when I recognized and said hello to one of her sons who was working at In‑N‑Out Burger. And then on 5/23/06, I ran in to GRIEVING MOTHER at Chevy’s Restaurant, and stopped to speak with her at length. I didn’t bring up THE DEVIL during our conversation.
· Histrionic Personality Disorder (need to be center of attention, easily influenced)
· Borderline Personality Disorder (impulsivity, rages, fear of abandonment).
12/10/98 – THE DEVIL’s Note
Sweetheart <3
I love you so much[.] you are such a great provider for me & OUR DAUGHTER! We appreciate you so very much! Take your vitamins!
All our love,
T&T
over ->
in case I[’]m not home before you leave for work, have a salad & pot pie for dinner. I[’]m getting X-mas stuff done : )
XOXOXOXO
THE PSYCHIATRIST’S Report, Part VI: Conclusions, p. 20: "THE DEVIL’s efforts to be content, cooperative, friendly, and cheerful reflect ideals rather than reality as it is covering over strong reactions to rejections, frustrations, and losses of emotional support."
1999
THE DEVIL’s behavior improved somewhat during this time. For a while, I became hopeful…
THE DEVIL’s Accusatory Letter re “Our Problem”
Dear TOKEN MALE,
I realized tonight, the main problem in our marriage is that we are not a team. That is mostly what makes our marriage bad, even ugly at times.
I’m not sure why you chose to pick a fight with me at 10:00 at night when we were both tired and had both had a long day? Not to mention we wouldn’t be seeing each[ ]other for a couple [of] days. However, I do have my speculations but I don’t even want to let myself go there because it would only be an assumption. [1]
I feel as OUR DAUGHTER’s parents and as good people ourselves, that we should try “both” treating each[ ]other with a little more respect and a little bit of fairness. Maybe even trying to help each[ ]other out now and again and somehow managing to try to be on each others side – in agreement no matter how tired, irritable. No matter what the circumstances. [2]
turn over
Like I Corinthians [3] says
Love is patient, love is kind
Love is gentle, not rude etc.
Maybe we should memorize this for both our sake[s]. The entire scripture.
I am sorry for letting you [4] get my goat, and responding to you the way I did. I’m sorry for letting you [4] upset me. And I’m sorry for OUR DAUGHTER that her parents don’t care a little bit more about each[ ]other at times a lot of the time.
Be safe
God Bless
I always miss you
Love
THE DEVIL
PS Thanks for making sure I made it home safe. I didn’t appreciate it and it really hurt me.
1 – THE DEVIL alludes to the fact that it thinks I was having an affair; I was not.
2 - What a ridiculous expectation: to be in agreement no matter what? How would that be possible if we were at opposite ends of the spectrum on an issue (which we oftentimes were)?
3 - As it often does (see 6/19/05), THE DEVIL’s quoting from the Bible (1 Corinthians 13:4-7):
.....“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self‑seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
.....THE DEVIL's hypocrisy is offensive. It may have deluded itself in to believing that this quote expresses what it knows love to be, but the sad truth is that it has no idea what love is. THE DEVIL’s love is none of these things (see THE PSYCHIATRIST’s report^). Its love is not patient or kind. It is envious, boastful and proud. It is often rude, self-seeking, very easily angered…and it does keep records of all wrongs – whether real or perceived. It does not rejoice with truth and it does not trust.
4 - What a fucked-up apology! "I'm sorry for letting you..."
^THE PSYCHIATRIST’s Report, Page 23, 3rd paragraph: "As THE DEVIL’s positive attitude toward others primarily reflects its dependency on them it does not contribute to its potential to provide love to its children. The combination of THE DEVIL’s dependent and histrionic features causes it to be at risk for a role reversal in which it will increasingly turn to its children to have its emotional needs met. Added to this is the likelihood that it will reject its children’s demands as its own appear to have been rejected during its childhood. Consequently THE DEVIL’s potential to provide love to its children appears to be only low average."
6/99 – THE DEVIL’s At-Home Daycare
When OUR DAUGHTER was ~18 months old, THE DEVIL began an at-home daycare. It looked after an 18-month-old girl as well as a 6-month-old infant. Of course this venture didn’t last for more than 6 months because THE DEVIL claimed to be “too stressed.” It became enraged when the toddler’s mother complained to it about something that had happened while the child was in THE DEVIL’s care. THE DEVIL basically “lost it” and severed their relationship. Shortly thereafter, it closed its “business.”
9/30/99 – THE DEVIL’s “Up and Down” Notes
THE DEVIL left me the following handwritten note:
TOKEN MALE <3
I love you,.....<3
thank you forworking so hardto take care of us......<3
Love your.....<3
little dependents..<3
..........(hehe)
It then left me the following note on the very same day:
I Love you
I just hurt real bad inside
Everyday
WISHING I wasn’t so alone
WISHING THINGS WOULD Get better
· Dependent Personality Disorder (difficulty making decisions, excessive need for support)
· Borderline Personality Disorder (impulsivity, rages, fear of abandonment).
· Feelings that may indicate BPD: Does this person feel empty or like they have no self a great deal of the time?
THE DEVIL’s Undated Note
Following is a handwritten note from THE DEVIL to me that it had jotted down on a yellow Post-In Note:
Honey,
Maybe we could try to have some creative intimacy and romance sometime soon. I need to know you love me and I love you and want you to be happy and satisfied, not frustrated and distant. Maybe we can share feelings about this sometime soon. I know its been awhile. : )
· Dependent Personality Disorder (difficulty making decisions, excessive need for support)
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